So I’ve been feeling all reflective as of late.
Not in an ‘Omg I can’t believe it’s the end of 2012 bring on
2013 New Year new me!’ kind of way, that everyone becomes a fan of round about
this time. Reflective of life.
Recently I’ve been chatting to my high school girlies and
remembering times from being at school. At the time we hated it, it was school
of course we did! But looking back I have some pretty funny memories: The RS
teacher who had an so unreasonable-it-was-hilarious disliking for me, Getting
sent out of science for laughing after Sophie pointed out our teacher looked
like action man, Water fights, The ridiculous arguments we used to all have,
stopping off at Sainsbury’s on the way home for 25p bars of chocolate, The
secret house parties we used to have and the mad dash to tidy up before we were
discovered….There are so many!! Everything was taken so seriously back then,
but looking back on it, we had so little to worry about. Now with Uni and work
and rent-paying and all this grown-up stuff, I sometimes wish I could go back
to those days – even though at the time I’d have given anything to skip a few
years and be where I am at now, Nineteen, able to go out drinking and living
away from home – obviously at that time I thought about the fun side of it
(which there is of course, massively so!) but didn’t really think about the
scary grown-up side of it.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days, but really I
would rather have the complicated grown-up side of life, if it also involves
being able to be independent and go on nights out and do my own thing – Plus I
think I’ve changed so much as a person, I’m much happier with who I am now, If I
could go back even 4/5 years I would tell my younger self to stick up for
herself a bit more and to have so, so, SO much more self-belief! High school
was fun, yes – but it also brought on a whole load of insecurities, especially
about how I looked, being called names is something that everyone probably goes
through at some point or another, but looking back on it now I got SO much
stick, maybe at the time I didn’t want to accept it, so wouldn’t let it seem as
bad it was but boy was I called some names: Ghost, Zombie, Fish, Frog, Dobby,
Hammer-head shark – All to do with my appearance, in particular my eyes and the
fact that they were Big/Scary/Far Apart … I use to hate it and would wear
eyeliner to try and make them look smaller, which thinking about it now is
ridiculous. Now I think F U and wear my make-up exactly to highlight the fact I
have big eyes! Looking back on it I get SO annoyed that people managed to make
me feel so bad about myself, no one has the right to do that! I wish more than
anything that I had stuck up for myself and stood my ground and fought my
battles instead of not sticking up for myself and letting them get me down – to
be fair I never showed that they got me down, only on occasions I would get
upset – the rest of the time I was just the same, silly, clumsy scatter-brain
that I am now – I just felt that it was better to ignore it…that way I could
pretend it wasn’t happening.
I’m definitely more confident as a person now – I think
doing Drama and Performing Arts at Sixth form helped me with this immensely, the
fact I was suddenly surrounded by a group of people all with the same passion
(and levels of insanity) as me really, really helped – Joining Bench Theatre
helped as well for the same reasons and ditto to going on to University!! When
you are suddenly away from anyone who drags you down and surrounded by people
all with the same mind-set and passion as you, really gives you a boost and
that confidence to just be yourself! Not going to lie, I still get insecure
about stuff sometimes, like at work a few months back people were saying what
kind of animal we would be, It was decided I would be a ‘Goldfish’ – as soon as
I heard mention of that word the alarm bells were up and that dreaded feeling
was back…Oh god is it because I look like a fish?! Do they think that as well?!
Arghhh! – But it wasn’t. It was because of my (then) Orange hair and my lack of
memory. Fair enough. It’s just about learning that not everyone is against you
and just because one group of people had bad views on you, doesn’t mean that every
single person in the world does. Now if anyone annoys me or makes me feel down,
or even if I don’t agree with something small that they are saying then I will
tell them. I say what I think, fight my case and put people in their place if I
don’t like the way I am being spoken to (take that drunk customers at work) –
because it’s your life, you are who you are and no-one has the right to make
you feel bad about ANYTHING.
So there.
Humph.
Phewww.
New Year’s Eve tonight – Wooohoo!
Have a good one everyone J
Loves
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (yes I am feeling more kisses
than normal…and what?!) xxx
